Our final week of looking at the values that direct our parenting. This week’s excerpt from Magic Lessons looks at a tricky one for our family, communication:
It makes sense that the kids would have trouble asking for what they want. Their early experiences taught them two contradictory lessons:
- You can’t trust adults. If you want something, you have to figure out how to get it on your own.
- Even with all that figuring, you can’t have what you really want—since what you really want is safety and stability, which is what you aren’t getting from those adults (whose job it is to provide these), which is why you can’t trust them.
I spent a lot of time working with the boys on that first one. As I mentioned, in the first year, I spent all kinds of time coaching Daveon to tell me he was hungry instead of raiding the refrigerator—i.e., you can ask for what you want and trust that you will get it. I like to think that with all that effort, we chipped away at at least a few layers. If you end up in a relationship with one of my kids in the future, drop me a line and let me know how they do with the asking/trusting thing.
Now it’s your turn! Share your family-building story by leaving a comment, or contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org to have your story featured as a post in a future week!